’Twas the Night before Towel Day


’Twas the night before Towel Day. I gazed at the sky.
The Vogons were coming. I started to cry.
I knew why they’d come here ’cause I’d read the Guide.
I reached for my towel. There was nowhere to hide.

HHG-VogonFleetAs humanity huddled asleep in their beds,
Unaware of the doom hanging over their heads,
I ran out my door and then into my car.
Only one thing might stop this scourge from the stars.

Huge yellow ships hovered high in the air
In the way that bricks don’t. ‘This just isn’t fair!’
I raced through stop signs and lights that glowed red.
My goal was only two minutes ahead.

I got to my office block, went to the top,
And there on the roof, I came to a stop.
Above me the largest ship stood quietly poised
Demolition beams ready, and then, there was noise.

“People of Earth,” a growly voice said,VogonOffice
“In two minutes time, you will all be quite dead.
We’re making a bypass and you’re in the way
Is there anything first that you wish to say?”

Now everyone knows that Vogons are dim.
They’re tasteless and vulgar and really quite grim,
Officious and mean, bureaucratically driven,
But they do follow orders in triplicate given.

I waved my towel for all I was worth.
“Constructor Fleet Leader, I speak for the Earth.”
“So speak, little man. Grovel and plead,
But resistance is useless, I will not pay heed.”

“We do not resist,” I said in reply.
“Your orders say kill us. We’re eager to die.
But wasting of effort to us is abhorrent,
As it is to you, or so I should warrant.

HHG-Towels“We’ll spare you the effort of wiping us clean.
We’ll do it for you. You’ll see what I mean.
I am the leader of this bunch of jerks.
If I go, it all goes. That’s how it works.”

Now, to a Vogon, this just might make sense.
Authority rules them. They’re otherwise dense.
They think everything that exists needs a leader.
If the leader is gone, there’s nothing else either.

They’re brighter, I knew, than the beasties of Traal
But not much, I hoped. I could no longer stall.
I pulled forth my towel, and grandly I said,
“Now, I am gone!” It went over my head.

TowelHeadHolding my breath, I hoped they’d believe
Their mission accomplished and then promptly leave.
If they could not see me, they might think me gone.
If I was, then Earth was, though this might be wrong.

I dared not peek from under my towel
Hung over my head as a concealing cowl.
Forty-two seconds passed. I drew a breath,
Proving my fate was not instant death.

The Vogon Commander spoke not a word,
But the whine of ship engines was clearly heard.
Then I heard him complain as his ships disappeared,
“I suppose that makes sense, but it all seems quite weird.”

(Towel day is observed every year on May 25th to celebrate the life and work of Douglas Adams, and especially his book The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Fans around the world are encouraged to carry a towel with them on this day in his honor. The first Towel Day was held in 2001, two weeks after Adams’ death on May 11. )

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About Dave

A reader and writer of speculative fiction. See my website for more information on me and my writing. https://dlmorrese.wordpress.com/

Posted on May 12, 2013, in Science Fiction and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. That was absolutely BRILLIANT.

  2. Reblogged this on rangewoman and commented:
    David Morrese’s contribution for the Towel Day Extra 2013. Have a laugh.

  3. Clever and inventive… in the nature of Mr. Adams, himself. My compliments!

  4. Thanks for this amusing post. Two of my favorites were:

    The Vogons were coming. I started to cry.
    “I suppose that makes sense, but it all seems quite weird.”

    I recall Trillian said the second one. Really great references and I believe that a lot of hitchhikers will enjoy this.

  1. Pingback: Free Books for Towel Day | DL Morrese

  2. Pingback: Marvin’s Towel Day Present | DL Morrese

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